The Hamberder Theory

How did it come to this?…

[satire follows]


It’s a very basic sort of question: How did it come to this? But let’s not belabor the well-documented, often-parsed chain of events that led us to this zany display of full-frontal cultural nudity we find ourselves in.  Let’s instead, drill in on the hidden truth of the matter at hand. That’s right — I’m talking about the secret and corruptive influence of … The Tribunal. Yes. That one. The one from Metalocalypse. These guys:


This is the hidden cabal that secretly rules our world. Proof was put on display at the White House last night. This man, known only as “Mr. Salacia” — long suspected to be the head of this mysterious Tribunal…



…issued the following directive to Tribunal sleeper agents in the White House:

“To show our dominance of the world through our control of the fast food industry, you will have POTUS order a ridiculous spread of shitty fast food. You will select his tie. It will be red, like Hamburglar. Then you will have him pose in front of the food. Like Hamburglar. This will demonstrate our authority, our control over the highest seats of power, and send a chilling message to those who think to oppose us. I wait…”

Knowing their very lives depended on this, and that failure was not an option, the sleeper agents moved swiftly into action:

They breathed a collective sigh of relief, their mission accomplished. But not all members of the Tribunal were satisfied. General Cozier, for one, was having none of it:

“This is horseshit!” General Cozier declared, pounding his fist on the table. “I’m not buying it if I don’t hear the code word of the day!” With a murmur of agreement from the other members of the Tribunal, and a nod from Mr. Salacia, loyal sleeper agents moved to make it so. 8 minutes later…


“That’s more like it,” General Cozier said, placated for the time being. “Now that we’ve demonstrated our control… I think THIS is when we should strike!”


Feelings were mixed around the table as the Tribunal debated What should come next. Ultimately, all eyes turned to Mr. Salacia. His response was much as it always is:


“We wait.”


(( Hey, even I have fun on my blog sometimes. 😉 Don’t forget to tip your waitresses!  And have a hamberder while you’re here! ))



Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.